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commentsHe Thought, She Thought
May 10, 2011
“I feel like you’re constantly judging me on a point system,” he said, paired with an eye roll.
And that started the first little “spat” of our engagement, right on the lovely sidewalk in front of roaming white geese in a quaint colonial spot in Pennsylvania.
Our intertwined fingers separated and I felt totally misunderstood.
“Sheesh! Why do you feel like I’m judging you? Am I that horrible of a person? You must not know me at all,” I retorted.
If I would have known 14 years ago that the root of almost every marital discord we would have would be summed up in that little exchange, I could’ve made much greater strides as an ideal Proverbs 31 woman. Alas, I just made the connection. Today. (And, for the record, the Proverbs 31 woman had maids, so I’d already given up that far-fetched goal.)
Shaunti Feldhahn sums it up best in her book, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men: “A guy’s inner vulnerability about his performance is made more intense by his belief that at all times he is being watched and judged…and perhaps found wanting. It includes the knowledge that since they don’t always know what they are doing, they are just one mess-up away from being found out.”
Conversely, in Feldhahn’s book, For Men Only, she and her husband nailed why my womanly brain ended up in a stand-off with my man’s ego: “If she’s feeling something, it’s counterproductive to try to tell her she shouldn’t be feeling that way. As men, we’re prone to jump to the conclusion that our wives are in husband attack mode. But remember a guy’s performance isn’t usually what’s on her mind. Our wives need to process their stuff by talking about it and having us available to listen…and not take it so personally.”
Women need to process feelings and discuss issues. Men feel like they have to perform and solve. Women feel unheard. Men sense that they don’t measure up. And there you have a little 9-year-old girl standing in front of a 10-year-old boy, both in adult bodies, clinging to their old innate insecurities.
She goes to bed feeling emotionally unmet. He turns off the light feeling like he doesn’t have her respect. While a reluctant “I’m sorry” or two may have been lobbed up, each adds the episode to their record of wrongs. And each secretly takes a mental note of the best ammo to use in case there’s a need to go into “attack mode” later to defend one’s self.
At the end of the day, whether it’s testosterone or estrogen at work, I think both men and women really want the same thing. They both want the other to think the best of them, to know their intentions, to call out the gold, to let the unprompted encouragements and approving glances outweigh thoughtless jabs and critical body language.
So, now that I know what I know, I’m going to try something this week. I’m going to consciously refuse to prey on the known insecurities of my husband, who I truly care about to my core. I’m going to recognize my choice—“speaking rashly, like the piercing of a sword” or realizing “the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18).
Tahni Cullen is the ministry director at EBC’s Spring Lake Park campus, and has been on staff for 10 years. She’s been married to Joe for 13 years this August and they have a son, Josiah (5). You can read more about her family’s journey with autism at hopingnotcoping,wordpress.com.
3 Responses to “He Thought, She Thought”
Thanks Tahni. Boy, does that really sum things up! We’ve been thinking about getting these books; now I have a taste of the insight that might provide. Even after 28 years of marriage. Even though I’ve learned to just listen an she’s learned to encourage, understanding why will still be good.
RIGHT ON! Brenda and I have been in love for over 37 years and committed in marriage for nearly 34 of those years and if it’s one thing we’ve learned early on, it’s that we try to always think the best of each other. That means letting little (and big) infractions go by without being dealt with (at that time) and let God fix those imperfections in each of us. That doesn’t mean we stuff our feelings, it means we let God fill our hearts with love in those times and give each other the benefit of the doubt or maybe better stated, the benefit of no doubt. No doubt in the other’s love for you, no doubt in the other’s ability to grow through these minor (or major) issues. No doubt in your own love for your spouse. So here’s a mystery. There is never any harm in loving each other! Always supportive, always caring, always listening, always actively involved in your spouse’s day. Perhaps that’s why God’s view of married couples is that they are one. It’s that putting aside of your own interests, and putting your spouse first – always loving each other. The other piece of “fixing” each other or working out their problems usually work out in time, because God changes us all in His own perfect timing.
[...] wrote this post for my church’s Marriage & Family blog, and thought I’d share it here too. Though I didn’t address it for an audience of [...]